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JULY 1998 | VOLUME 2, NUMBER 2

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JULY HUMOR: Top Ten List | Error-Free Floppies
Error Free Floppies

submitted by anonymous

Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!!
(Pass on instructions to anyone who thinks a mouse is just a cute Disney animation and a floppy disk is some sort of back ailment)

  1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

  2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

  3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

  4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

  5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

  6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

  7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

  8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in, the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

  9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
    (see item 2 above)

  10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

  11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

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